Face it: everyone loves kids' shows at one point or another. I've lived through a somewhat “golden era” of children's TV. I've witnessed Andi Peters step out of the BBC “Broom Cupboard” in the early 90s, swapping it for the fresh, plush studios of the new CBBC. I've watched with awe as some random woman was able to reproduce something unfailingly cool out of 3 boxes of junk on Bitsa. Hell, I was even lucky enough to have seen Pat Sharp, his ridiculous mullet and the ridiculous twins, Melanie and Martina, drag unsuspecting paired teams onto the Fun House Grand Prix... and this was all in the name of entertainment.
However, childhood innocence is usually crushed by the mid-to-late teens. And so, after the rest of my life had been corrupted in some way or another – obviously destroying my idealistic world view – I retired to watch a video with big flashy cars on. After seeing the big flashy cars become smaller, dented tricycles after many fun crashes and so on, I let the tape roll on to see what else was on.
I almost fell out of my seat in shock.
The familiar sound of “YahOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-yipe!” filled the room. The once pitch-black living space of mine flickered red, then green, then blue, then red. A childhood hero of mine had just jumped off the top of a giant redwood and flown across the screen in his hang glider, before promptly crashing into the side of his woodland home. Of course, his friends were always there for him, and they chortled, picked the silly boy up and dusted him down. Except this was no ordinary “silly boy”.
This was Bert Raccoon.
I watched with glee as his harebrained schemes got him into more trouble with the likes of Bear, Cyril Sneer and Dan the Ranger. I smiled as he shared his possessions with everyone. I pondered as he put on that distinctive red and gold jumper of his.
I gasped in horror – this was Communist propaganda!
I switched it off hurriedly before I realised that the rest of my idealistic world had just come crashing down around me. Could this be true, that the only thing that kept me sane was not made for the purpose of entertaining children, instead indoctrinating them from a time when they would not know any better? Was The Raccoons simply a Comintern ploy to turn our youth into the Red Army? Was Ralph Raccoon Stalin?!
And so I decided, for the safety of minors across the world, to note down the reasons why The Raccoons is not the fun and frolics it pretends it is, in fact being a dirty Commie lie.
The interesting colour scheme
Bert Raccoon was famous for his red and gold jumper. Any relevance? Oh, I think there is – compare that jumper to, say, the flags of the Communist states of post-war China and the Soviet Union between 1917 and 1991 and you'll realise he's pretty much plastered with the national palette of both major Communist countries.
The outfit's letter “B”
B for Bert? Highly unlikely. I'd say more B for Bolshevik Commie scum.
The usual morals of the story
There's no living for personal gain in the forest woodlands – whatever Bert finds in the forest is never something he'll, say, eat himself, or sell for material gain to fund his night out in a local strip bar. No! He'll take it home to share with Ralph and Melissa and every other significant member of the proletaria in his nearby area.
Demonisation of Capitalism
If I was Cyril Sneer, I probably wouldn't be so greedy. However, I would be proud of my millions of dollars earned through consistently diligent work. Despite this, Cyril Sneer is demonised as the basis of all moral wrong-doings, and is constantly plagued by the attempted overthrows of his hard-earned power.
Devalued currency
Alongside the anti-Capitalist regime the Communist Raccoons try to impose, there are obvious anti-currency attitudes. They are never tempted by money, instead doing everything for the good of their forest and, presumably, Communist nation.
Agrarian revolution
With the unreliance on currency, the Commie Raccoons instead decide to reap the benefits of the land and grow their own produce. Although they'll stay poor and they are not happy, the strong community spirit of the Communist regime is enough to keep them going.
Newspaper-based Communist propaganda
Bert's favourite pastime #1
Bert loves his hang glider, and it is unmistakeable why – aerial reconaissance. From here he can use his flash bulb camera to identify holes in perimeter walls around Sneer's mansion and, failing that there are any breaches in the wall, dropping bombs on them from low altitude.
Bert's favourite pastime #2
If he's not taking photos of possible threats to the Motherland in his bomber, Bert loves to play detective. Always wearing a trilby hat and a grey trench coat, he assumes the stereotypical role of the KGB agent, infiltrating areas and getting what he needs.
Dirty, dirty commies.