The Twaddle: i h8 teenage poetry

Trends come and go, it has to be said; this phenomenon is found particularly among teenagers, striving to be different yet looking remarkably similar. There was the Korn stage... then the Slipknot stage... then the multitude of chore-on-music fusions; the punk stage! Oops, sorry, wannabe-punk stage, “for they just were sk8r bois, she said see yer later boi”.

One thing will always remain through music-defined teenage culture though: random angst, and the best, most pity-gaining ways of expressing it. This, quite nicely, brings me to poetry. Not any old poetry, oh no – poetry that must, I repeat, must contain themes of violence; suicide; unrequited love (or as I like to define it, asking someone out when, to be honest, you lack the stones – subliminal messaging, if you will); or, usually, hate.

I have seen this everywhere – poetry that lacks the primary elements of language, form and structure. Poetry that, when analysed properly, can actually be seen as lies through use of wording and rhyme. Poetry that epitomises “what you see is what you get”.

“So”, I hear you ask, “how do I write bad poetry? I mean, I am a very mysterious metalhead, after all. Please tell me, how do I express suicidal tendencies so my friends can stroke me on the head and comfort me every time I quiver my lip?”

Yes indeedy. Well, it follows the same basic rules, which are mixed and matched to gain the sympathy the “poet” hopes to gain. They are outlined in these simple stages:

1. Swear as often as possible, particularly when the reader least expects it.
2. Use the words “alone”, “darkness”, “knife”, “suicide”, “falling”, “depressed”, “blood”, “silence”, “night”, etc. frequently.
3. Use capital letters – of course, you're shouting throughout this, aren't you?
4. Make sure it rhymes, for God's sake! It's poetry! Even if it means going slightly off on a tangent! Actually, no, take the other approach – short line length, absolutely no rhyme.
5. Assonance? Consonance? Who are they?
6. Line length? OK, now you've lost me.
7. Announce in roundabout ways that tonight is your last night on Earth.
8. By no means express emotion through comparison or metaphor. Simply say how you feel.
9. Please... please, please, please! Spell like you do on MSN Messenger! That means plenty of “U”, “2”, “h8” (particularly h8) and, of course, “luv” (because it's just not a jot on love – “luv” doesn't mean anything in comparison to love, it trivialises the concept of love; this so-called “term” is used in relationships when both sides of said relationship know that it means nothing).

So yeah. I hate “new age” poets. It all makes me cringe. They all lack the skills to truly construct poetry to manipulate the reader to their point of view. Even I, who am now in my second year of English Literature, have no idea where to start. However, I do know there's more about poetry than speech with a line length limit. I promise you that you will not find a teenage piece of poetry that means anything to anyone else. The key to good poetry is to be able to relate to, conjure up or manipulate readers' feelings and thoughts to give insight into the poet's life; not to ask somebody out with, not as an excuse to swear and, in particular, not to tell them straight up what the problem is – you could write a story or passage to do that.

Poetry is an age-old skill, not a modern art – it should be respected and used correctly and not abused at the hands of the greasy, the partially vocally broken, the pity-seekers or the morally deaf that see it as rebellious, clever or witty.