Atomic Sports Media: What's in a Name?

My friend Jon came up with the idea a while ago to collate as many aptronymical names as possible - that is to say, names that describe said person's charms. Given it was for Atomic Sports Media, he decided to stick to sport. After the piece got sidetracked due to Jon's work commitments, I took over, adding a few more names to the six selections I originally submitted to him. I hope you enjoy it! Click here to read the article on the website, or continue below...


I am sure plenty of you will be aware of the Mr. Men or the Seven Dwarves. As bastions of the modern age of literature, their basic beauty is in their descriptive names. Mr. Happy was a jolly fellow. Sleepy was the lazy sort. I’m pretty sure Snow White wasn’t African-American.

But it’s certainly interesting to note that there are plenty of examples in real life to help us play the name game. Nominative determinism -- that is to say, how a person's name sounds has an effect on who that person becomes -- is to thank for George McGovern, former presidential candidate in 1972. Joe Holiday is Gibraltar’s Minister for Tourism. Margaret Spellings is the Secretary of Education in the United States Government. My favourite is probably Cardinal Sin, former Archbishop of Manila. Or Kevin De Cock, Director of HIV/AIDS at the World Health Organisation, who promoted the benefits of circumcision and safe sex.

Luckily, we sports fans have the best selection of well-named superstars. Maybe one day, they will all have to be renamed for the sake of clarity. Until then, we will have to bless the almighty Sporting Gods for those who already grace, or have graced, TV sets and internet pages across the world.

1) Gary Player is a South African golfer who turned professional in 1953. His career is widely regarded as one of the best in the history of golf, notching up 24 career wins including three Masters tournaments (1961, 1974, 1978), three British Opens (1959, 1968, 1974), one US Open (1965) and two PGA Championships (1962, 1972), making him the most successful golfer to come out of South Africa. It is not known what his skills are like with the ladies, but no doubt he's just as good a player there as he is when it comes to golf.

2) Chris Moneymaker is a poker player from Atlanta. Gaining a World Series of Poker bracelet in 2003 by beating Sam Farha with a full house on the last hand, Moneymaker has gone on to make a lot of money, turning an original $39 stake into $2.5 million in his debut live performance. His name is not a pseudonym, and apparently derives from the German name “Nurmacher.”

3) Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, possibly the most successful golfer of all time and still going strong at the age of 31, has used his woods to his advantage, clocking up 13 major championship wins and 86 professional wins to make him world No. 1. In 2006 he was the highest paid professional athlete in the world, making more than $100 million in winnings and endorsements.

4) Michael Ball is a 28-year-old soccer left-back born in Liverpool, England, currently playing for Manchester City. Having brief spells at PSV Eindhoven in Holland, five seasons at Rangers and four at Everton, as well as one England international cap, Ball prefers to get rid of the ball, given his defensive role.

5) Mario Lemieux is possibly the most famous NHL star in Pittsburgh, and probably the second most famous in Canada after some guy called Wayne. His role in the Penguins' line-up between 1984-94, 1995-97 and 2000-06 gave the team the boost they needed, also leading the team to successive Stanley Cups in 1991 and 1992. His number, 66, was selected due to his comparison to that other Canadian bloke, who wore the same number but upside down - 99. His name - Lemieux - literally translates as "The Best" in French. This is amazing considering the records he holds, including most goals in one period (4), longest goal scoring streak (12 games), and the only player to score 30 power-play goals in two seasons.

6) George Best is possibly the most famous soccer forward in Britain. Born in Belfast, Northern Ireland, many of his fellow countrymen express their love for him by saying: “Maradona good, Pélé better, George Best.” The first example of a “playboy” soccer player, his lifestyle would ultimately lead to his premature death, aged 59, in 2005. Although the bulk of his talent and memorable moments were during his 11-year career at Manchester United, he also graced the NASL, playing for the San Jose Earthquakes, Los Angeles Aztecs and Fort Lauderdale Strikers. Belfast City Airport was named after Best in 2006, even though it is not the top airport in Ireland.

7) Chuck Long is gifted with probably the best name for a QB in NFL history. A college Hall-of-Famer from the Iowa Hawkeyes, Chuck did not put his name to good use during his time at college due to his team’s strong running game. Drafted in the first round by the Detroit Lions, he was a bit rubbish. Then again, the Detroit Lions were/are rubbish, so he did not have much of a fighting chance. His best season came in 1987 with 2,598 yards, 11 touchdowns and 20 interceptions. After a year with the Los Angeles Rams and a one-year return to Detroit, Long chucked in the towel after a five-year career, and now coaches San Diego State.

8) Willie Thrower, another QB in the NFL, became the first African-American quarterback in the NFL, and was cited by Warren Moon as a key influence and a groundbreaking presence in the sport, even though he only played for one season at the Chicago Bears. Pittsburgh owner Dan Rooney unveiled a statue to Thrower in his home town four years after his death, in 2006.

9) Mack Strong was strong enough to be the lead blocker for three 1,000-yard rushers in Chris Warren, Ricky Watters and Shaun Alexander during his 14 years with the Seattle Seahawks. With two Pro-Bowl selections to his name in 2005 and 2006, Strong finally announced retirement this year after he received a herniated disk in his neck after a Week 5 game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

10) Derek Jeter, current captain of the New York Yankees and the longest-serving position player on the 2007 team roster, Jeter is French for “to throw." It is a shame it is not French for “to catch” after his 12th-inning Superman dive into the stands to stop Trot Nixon’s ambitious effort in the Yankees’ 2004 game against the Red Sox. Rivalries can make you do crazy things. Having said that, he’s now getting $22 million a year. I’d jump into a moving truck to make a catch for that salary.

11) Scott Speed was, for all intents and purposes, rubbish. His name, particularly in relation to his Formula One performance, seems more ironic than anything else. Racking up 0 points in 28 races, his career was finished before it started due to an unreliable car, poor team relations and entering the only racing championship that Americans aren’t very good at.

12) Arsene Wenger is the manager of Arsenal F.C., who are currently in or are jostling for the top spot in the English Premier League in soccer. Labelled “Comical Wenger” by Manchester United fans in earlier 2003 for predicting that his team could go unbeaten for the 38-game season, Wenger proudly held up a t-shirt produced by the rival fans when he accomplished the feat. Although he’s a brilliant manager known for his brilliant purchases and transfers, I must warn you that he’s a bit… French.

13) Wolfgang Wolf managed German Bundesliga team VfL Wolfsburg. I mean, come on. That’s just getting silly. He’s either an insane fan that has changed his name by deed poll, or he’s their mascot with an unimaginative name like “Steely McBeam”. I’m still coming to terms with it actually being true.

I hope that some day this trend will take off so that I, or anyone else, will not forget a player name in a pub conversation. Having said that, I think nominative determinism works well as it is. I am quite good on the horticultural circuit, and Jon Bellwood, whose idea it was to create this in-depth analysis into this phenomenon (and who I am writing on behalf of), had a brief career as an ornamental instrument carver. One way or the other, it makes life easier.